Journaling.

I’ve been keeping a journal fairly consistently (as in short entries twice a week…maybe?) for over a year now.  It came as a product of my counseling sessions with J.  She said writing down my thoughts and struggles would be essential  to my recovery.  I don’t like it.  Never have.

The biggest thing I’ve learned from journaling is that I am not naturally a contemplative person.  I struggle to sit and think  over my day.  I think this is because it forces me to confront the things that cause me anxiety, and also because I’m critical of what I have to say.  I almost never re-read entries after the day they are written.  Its just too easy to start editing myself, which isn’t really the purpose of a journal, now is it?  I wish.  I would feel much better about myself if I could just go back and scratch out a few lines and clean up my sentence structure.  You know, make myself sounds little more together, and a little less emotional.  But that would completely destroy the integrity of the journal, so I’ve kept myself from reviewing entries (for the most part, some spelling mistakes are just too glaring not to change).

Anyway, despite my general dislike for journaling, ocassionally it helps.  Sometimes confronting my anxiety proves especially rewarding and the act of writing really calms me.  Other times, I just come up with something really good to write about.  A few weeks ago I did just that.  Somehow, I don’t know how, I found myself sitting with my journal open (miracle!) composing a list of things I want to do with my life.  Normally, I would find such a list anxiety inducing.  I would feel inadequate for not having achieved the things on the list, and stressed out at the thought of trying to achieve them.  But on this particular day, no anxiety.  Only writing.

-quit counting

-travel to Europe

-qualify for and race the Boston Marathon

-practice yoga regularly

-establish a daily prayer + journal time

-wear a bikini

-get married

-graduate WashU

-get a job that scares me

-live in a new city

-maintain my Spanish speaking

-allow God to show me my purpose

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