Facing Fears: 3/14-3/20

Sean couldn’t meet me for our usual long run this saturday.  I really didn’t want to miss out on the distance, but I also really didn’t want to go do 10 miles solo.  I tend to lag when I do distance alone.  One of the local running shops has a group that meets every Saturday morning for 10-12 mile runs.  I’ve thought about going many times, but the ideal of running a long distance with a group of strangers really intimidates me.  What if they’re all faster than me?  What if there’s no one in my pace group?  What if I have a bad day and can’t finish (I’ve never let that happen before but who knows)?

Anyway, I got almost no sleep, but I set my alarm for 6:30, scarfed down a Larabar, guzzled some water, had a few gulps of coffee and got in the car.  I made it to the shop just as the sun was rising.  I was greeted by a middle aged guy named Larry, one of those really hardened, ripped, running types.  He’s one of the shop owners I think.  He was really nice, invited me in, introduced me.  I stretched a bit and within moments we were off.  I didn’t even have to get in a pace group because we all just went together.  There were probably about 20 people.  Slowly, the speedy ones pulled ahead (some of them had already been running for an hour!)  I stuck with two women who were running just under 8 minute miles.  It was great to run with women!  I met a really nice lady named Heidi who has done SEVEN marathons and one 50K (yeah, thats an ultra).  We ran the whole 12 miles together and talked the whole way.  It was such a fun morning.  By the time I got back to the house, showered, and drank down my favorite post run drink (recipe to come!), I hardly remembered that I began the morning all nervous and afraid.  I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner.  Running is such fun…as are the endophins.

I’ve been contemplating a 25K…haven’t signed up yet, but I’m going to start training and see.  My training schedule is in the sidebar, to keep me accountable.

A letter: Part I

At the suggestion of my counselor, J, I’m writing a letter to myself, that is my former self.  The 17 year old me, an unhappy high schooler: intense, focused, unhappy, rapidly sinking beneath her anxieties, and firmly in the grip of an eating disorder.  One of the things I’ve discussed with J, or rather that she pulled out of me, is that I’m not able to grieve for that struggling 17 year old girl.  I don’t feel sad for the time I lost, or all that I went through.  I’m not sympathetic even with myself.

Dont get me wrong, the fact that I lost nearly four years of my life to an eating disorder and lived day in and day out ruled by anxiety, frustrates me to no end.  I am angry.  But I’m not sad.  I don’t know what it means to grieve for that lost time (and J says this is necessary for full recovery…I’m not sure I agree, but the inability to feel really bothers me).  I’m angry and hard on myself for having allowed things to get so bad, so twisted, so hopeless.

I am all too aware that looking at an eating or anxiety disorder as my fault is less than helpful, if not completely inaccurate.  Still, I am angry and pretty hard on myself.  Other times, I don’t feel anything.  Thus, J suggested that I write a letter to my former self, as if that girl were any other girl.  As if the 17 year old me were someone I knew and could help.  How would I talk to that girl?  Would I be so harsh and unforgiving?  Wouldn’t I be sad for her?  I’m not really sure.  But I said I would try.

Dear S…

Facing Fears Week One: 2/31-3/6

Here’s a quick update on my success in facing my fears.  This week I did amazingly well.  I’ve been on Spring Break, so I’ve had more time + energy to dedicate to facing my fears, but STILL.  I did three things that made me varying degrees of scared.

Here they are in order of increasing anxiety…

1)I learned to ride a bike again.  M got me a bike for Christmas.  I haven’t ridden much since then because the weather has been snowy, wet, and freezing.  But now that its warm and almost spring-like (!) I had no excuse.  I’m not sure why I was freaking out about this one.  Probably a combination of no riding a bike since I was 12 and not having any private-ish place to practice because I live in the city, oh and the fact that most of my anxieties are irrational anyway.  No matter, I rode, I wobbled, I didn’t fall once, I conquered.  By my third day out riding I decided I needed a bit more of a physical challenge and did a 12 mile hilly ride.  Not fast, mind you, but I did it.  My butt still hurts.

2). I went to a new yoga class at a new studio.  Further, when I got to said studio, and stepped into a HEATED room (thats 90 humid degrees, folks!) with a man doing a handstand (unassisted!), I did not turn around a walk out.  Though I felt out of my league, and completely intimidated by my inexperience I rolled out my mat and made it through 90 sweaty minutes pretty successfully.  I wasn’t the best in the room, but I don’t think I was the worst either.  Not that yoga is a competition or anything.  No, of course not.

3). I applied for a job…at a BAKERY!  I have no idea what will come of it, but I’m more proud of the fact that I applied than worried whether or not I will get the job.  The Bakery is independent, locally owned, and only five minutes from the apartment I’ll be moving into at the beginning of May.  Fingers crossed that this job or another works out.  I’m already stressing about my lack of summer employment.

*edited to add

I’ve been doing mediocre (at best) with my revised New Year’s resolutions.  There’s only four of them and still I’m floundering.  Despite my serious lack of volition, I want to make a change to resolution number four.  Instead of doing one thing each week to move me toward making some decisions about my future, I want to do at LEAST one thing each week that scares me.  After having a conversation with my dad this weekend, I’ve been thinking that I may never really know what I want to do with my life.  By that I mean, there may never be a moment of clarity where I say “yes!  I do want to go to law school,” or “of course, I’ll become a personal chef.”  For me, this realization is equally terrifying and liberating.  Its terrifying because I want to know what I’m going to do with my life and I want to know NOW.  Even more, I’m afraid of messing up, wasting time, missing my opportunity (as if there’s only one).  In short, I’m afraid of failing.  I think I equate indecision, unpreparedness, fear, and mediocrity with failure.  My thoughts run something like this:

Indecision: “I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t know what I like, I don’t know what I’m qualified to do…”

Unpreparedness: “Everyone around me knows what they want or at least what they’re good at.  They’re working or studying in their area of interest.  Everyone has a leg up on me.  They  know how the world works.  They know how to get a job (even a career!)….I don’t have a clue…”

Fear: “I’m behind.  People, especially professors and employers, will see right through me.  I don’t have the experience or know how to do much of anything.”

Mediocrity:  “Be rational!  Your life will be fine.  You’ll just always be fearful and anxious.  Also, you’ll probably always feel inferior.  But thats okay, you’ll find some sort of a job.  It will give you a little bit of financial and personal comfort.  Life will go on.”

So when that whole mess is done running through my mind I feel pretty much like a failure.  But here’s what I’m realizing a little more each day.  I’m only a failure if I decide to believe the self-effacing tape running through my head.  I’m only a failure if I let that tape determine my actions, and if I let anxiety and fear determine me.  Thus, the revision to resolution number four.  Doing something every week that scares me is a way to turn off the tape.  Purposing to face my fears gives me confidence to continue facing fears.  It makes me feel capable to do things that I think I’m unprepared (i.e. incapable) of doing.  It gives me hope and meaning in my day to day life.  Facing my fears will make me more mindful and present in my days and weeks because I will really have to focus on the moment at hand to push myself beyond those fears.  I guess thats where the idea of never knowing exactly the path I should take becomes liberating.  I don’t have to feel bad about not knowing.  I can quit looking, worrying, and waiting.  Instead I can focus on the day at hand and make the best choices in that day.  I can do all I can to get everything out of everyday and life my life as free of anxiety, worry, and fear as possible.  I cannot be a failure if I simply try.  Try new things…Try the things that scare me most…Try and fail.  I can fail and not be a failure.  I just with I believed it right now.  No matter.  If there’s anything I’ve learned in fighting an eating disorder its that what you believe is almost irrelevant.  Your actions are what matters.

So there you go…whoever you are… if there’s even anyone reading.  And, I almost hope there’s not…being that I’ve suddenly started bearing my soul.  Go figure.

Hopefully I’ll start posting each week on a fear I’ve overcome.  Hopefully.

Here’s a hint on something I have in mind for this week…

Favorite things: February

Here are a few of my favorite things.  To achieve “favorite thing” status, something fulfill certain criteria… said favorite thing must:

1) increase my general quality of life- if something makes me feel bad about myself, stresses me out, costs me a lot more than I want to spend, or requires unwanted responsibilities, it shall not be awarded “favorite thing” status.

2) Be beautiful (beauty takes many forms, and is proverbially, in the eye of the beholder (meaning me). 🙂

3) Be a part of my life on a daily, or at least weekly, basis.  If its something that I use infrequently, well then I’m probably not comfortable enough with said thing to deem it a favorite.

4) Must be associated with calm, peaceful feelings.  The thing should be comforting.

*Obviously, I don’t really think about all these things when deciding whether or not I like something.  But as it turns out, all of my favorite things fulfill these criteria.

Without further ado, here’s favorites for February…

One: Essie nail polish in Lacquered Up. I love the bright color, probably because it makes me look girly even when I’m wearing my boyfriend jeans, grey zipper hoodie, and hat with the earflaps.  Hidden bonus: it keeps me from chewing on my nails…for the most part and makes me look like a jcrew model. (ha!)

Two: Bare Minerals Make-up stored in purple satin bag. I LUUUUUV Bare Minerals, I’ve been wearing it since I was fifteen and wised up to the fact that drug-store quality liquid foundation with lip smackers just wasn’t for me…is it for anyone?  I kind of think no…except  for the Lip Smakers…I still love the mango lip balm…oh and the strawberry gloss…Anyway, Bare Minerals “foundation” goes on so fast (like in five minutes before I head out the door).  It looks perfectly natural and has SPF 15 to boot.  I usually brighten up my cheeks with a dusting of ___ blush and finish off my “look” (yeah right) with a few swipes of their black mascara.  Its the perfect make-up for a not-so-girly minimalist.  And the bag, well that just makes me feel elegant.  Plus it cost me like 7 bucks and who doesn’t love a steal?

Three: Cherry Pie Larabars.  I love all Larabars.  I really don’t discriminate.  However, this month I’ve been partial to the Cherry Pie flavor.  Dates, Almonds, and dried cherries, nothing more…also appeals to my inner-minimalist.

What are your favorite things that get you through the dreary days of February?